- March 2021 – Making a choice to break the cycle of hate
- February 2021 – Self Care
- January 2021 – Shifting Your Perspective
- December 2020 – Overcoming Negative Voices
- November 2020 – How to stand up for yourself
- October 2020 – The New Meaning of Empathy in 2020
- September 2020 – Reflecting on Heartbreak
March 2021 – Self Care
Over this last week I watched the news in horror as I learned along with the rest of the world of violent massacres in two different regions of the United States. While we do not know much about the most recent event in Colorado much has been reported about the massacre in the Atlanta suburbs that left eight people – including six Asian women – dead. This violent terrorist act took place at a time when we are seeing increased radicalization of white men in America to commit acts of violence against people of color. This is combined with an increase in anti-Asian sentiment, resulting in increased hate crimes and threats against the Asian community. This is a perfect storm for a culture of cruelty, unpredictability and terror that is disproportionately impacting communities of color. The stigma and lack of awareness of mental health plus the culture and lack of regulation around gun control have fed into and led us to the point that we are in today.Read More
I am deeply worried and outraged about the culture of violence and terror that white people are feeling more and more entitled to inflict on others. This news story has been haunting me since first learning about the eight lives that were lost in this unfair, inhumane and despicable way. I am heartbroken over the accounts of spouses and children – including an orphaned eight month old baby – who have lost their family members in this tragedy. It is especially hard to fathom because of how preventable, and how cruel this act was.
As a society we have to come together to stand up for the rights of women and people of Asian descent to live without fear. We have to make a strong statement, through culture change and legislation, that this type of violence is fundamentally unacceptable and at odds with the values of our society.
While I was shocked as I watched this story unfold on the news, the picture I want to paint for you is one in which all of these events are not random, but connected. Since the start of the pandemic last March we have lived under a president who has insisted on calling Covid-19 a racist slur that I find no value in repeating here. Words. Matter. Leadership influences the way others think.
A president influences the way a society thinks. Our leadership was actively making things more dangerous for Asian-Americans by causing them to be associated with the pandemic that has caused so much death, sickness, isolation and job loss. This is wildly irresponsible, hateful behavior. What we are seeing now is a combination of this inept leadership and people connecting the dots to taking their anger and pain out on innocent targets. We have to realize that the words we use and the words we allow others to use have severe consequences in people’s lives.
Hate is contagious and it will grow in its severity. We have to make a conscious choice to hold people accountable to their words and behaviors. We have to make a choice to break the cycle of hate, racism and misogyny. We cannot allow this to continue to happen. There were eight victims but the ripples effects of these deaths will be felt by many countless people. Let’s look at what happened last week and learn from it. Let’s demand better from our fellow community members. We can be the change that we want to see in the world. We have to be better than this. Lives depend on it.
February 2021 – Self Care
This winter has been an incredibly challenging time. It’s never fun to deal with blistering cold temperatures, but added to that the constant snow and the ongoing need for quarantine and social distancing due to the pandemic, and this has added up to a challenging time for mental health. The extreme weather means that it is harder to get outside and move around, while the quarantine means that it is difficult to see loved ones and meet with people for indoor gatherings. Essentially, we are socially isolated and physically restricted. This presents a unique challenge to learning how to be at peace and be happy.Read More
As a therapist, I constantly talk about the need for self-care. What this is and what it looks like varies from person to person. Your unique personality, interests, and desires will shape your self-care time and activities, but the most important thing here is that you take a break from your day and do something to recharge your mental and emotional batteries. If your reaction at this point is, “I don’t have time for myself,” then you especially need to make that time. When our lives are filled with responsibilities that demand our time, attention, energy, and effort, we risk running ourselves to a point of burnout and exhaustion. Do yourself a favor and take care of yourself before it gets to that point.
People often tell me that they feel guilty or like they are being selfish if they prioritize time for themselves, especially at the expense of being there for other important people in their lives. Please know that taking care of yourself does not take away from your ability to care for others. If you’re on an airplane and the oxygen masks start coming down, you have to put the mask on yourself before you can put the mask on the person sitting next to you. Taking care of yourself first is necessary to preserve your energy in order to take care of others.
In the mental health and social justice-minded space we tend to focus on doing more and more, pushing ourselves to keep going to make as much change as possible. At the same time, we have to recognize that creating sustained, long-lasting and deep levels of change and progress in our society is long-term work. Changing people’s minds and opening people’s hearts up is not an easy thing. In therapy, I am constantly reminding people that doing the hard work to improve yourself and heal your scars at an individual level is a constant and long-term process.
Some days feel like you’ve taken two steps forward only to take a giant step back. Sometimes you might feel like you’re a hamster spinning in place on a wheel. Now think about doing the systemic work of moving society away from ignorance and hate towards acceptance, compassion, and kindness. This is a huge uphill task, and it’s important to set realistic expectations, remember that this work will take time, and be kind to yourself. Think of your self-care as the way you take a time-out, pause, and rest. You need to recharge your personal batteries once in a while!
The pandemic has been a challenging time to figure out what self-care can look like. With many of the options to get out and about no longer available to us, it might seem impossible, however, it’s more important now than ever to get creative. Don’t hesitate to listen to your mood, your energy and your heart to figure out what you need to feel refreshed. If you look within you will find the answers that you’re seeking.
January 2021 – Shifting Your Perspective
Welcome to 2021! I hope your new year is off to a great start, even if many things may look like they haven’t changed much since 2020. As you’re reading this blog today, take a moment to recognize how much you’ve gone through, and how much you have overcome. You made it through one of the most challenging, uncertain, stressful years we have collectively undergone. Last year was filled with loss. Covid took many beloved people away from us along with the ways of life and connection that were most familiar to us. Negativity – emotions ranging from loneliness to grief to fear for survival in the present to anxiety about what tomorrow holds, is heavy and present in the world today. An increasingly disturbing and unsafe political stage adds to the sense of unease for many of us.Read More
I have struggled through this last year personally, and found it hard to refrain from getting drawn into this vortex of negativity. As a therapist I have gone through a challenging journey with clients whom, like myself, could not have anticipated the events that have occurred over the last year. It has been an honor to listen and offer my support to people during this incredibly difficult time. Through the experience, I have gained some insights into how to make it through the challenges of our time and maintain a hopeful and optimistic outlook.
So much of the time I am “in it.” Getting drawn into the latest CNN news alert or falling down a rabbithole of my own worries of how our country and our world are going to get out of this pandemic and back to the normalcy of human physical connection and togetherness that we have lost. Worrying about future scenarios, worrying about things that I can’t control, and getting lost in a downward spiral of negative thinking (“What if this happens, and then this happens, and then this happens, etc.) leads to a constant state of anxiety. Then there is the issue of the screen. The phone, the computer, the TV. During the pandemic we have become even more reliant on our screens to stay safe, and in my experience it has been a blessing to be able to stay safe, but there is also a drawback. We work on our screens, we go to school on our screens, we meet up with friends on our screens, we have baby showers on our screen, we go to yoga classes on the screen. We spend so much time locking our eyes and our minds onto the cyber world that we can feel more isolated and disconnected from the world around us.
I am often so locked into viewing things in a negative light that negativity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I have found that it is vitally important to shift our perspectives. This means first of all becoming aware that we each have a unique perspective – something that is easy to take for granted when focusing in on our emotions, wants and needs in a way that takes us away from the bigger picture. Try taking a step back. Consider that everything you see in front of you (and how you feel about that image) is a result of your point of view of where you are standing. Now expand that awareness to recognize that how you are feeling, what you are worried about, what is super important to you, everything that is in your awareness, is a result of your perspective.
While your perspective is valid and true and understandable, it is just a small glimmer of everything that is. Your friend, partner, family member, classmate, etc. is standing on a different part of the same mountain and they are seeing a narrow view as well. If you climb to a higher point on the mountain you would be able to see a view that holds both of your perspectives. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them necessarily, but you can understand how your friend feels the way they do based on what they are seeing in front of them. This understanding gives you power. You now know that if you want to change your feelings about things, you can do so by changing your perspective. What is missing from your view point?
In order to allow your emotions and understanding to evolve, taking a step back and seeing the fuller picture is really important. It is also important to be realistic. I like to ask myself a very simple question: What is in my control, and what is outside of my control? Take a look at the things you do not have the power to change, first of all. I have to recognize that I cannot change the past. I cannot control other people’s words or actions. I cannot end the Covid-19 pandemic. I cannot make someone love me. I cannot end systemic racism. I cannot actually control quite a lot of things that impact the world around me. Rather than allowing myself to feel powerless, recognizing the limitations that I have in my life allows me to know how and where I should invest my energy and time in order to create change in my life and in the lives of people around me.
People often say, “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment. The only thing that we do have control over is ourselves, in what we do actively and in how we react to others. Focus on how you want to be in response to the situations that cause you worry, fear or hurt. Lead with the power of your example and others will be inspired by your vulnerability, your compassion, your calmness and your strength. Focus your energy on the things that fall into the “what is inside my control” category and you will see the results of your efforts more quickly. Of course sometimes we need to think creatively about what sorts of changes will be most beneficial.
It may seem fairly simple to state that the opposite of negativity is positivity, but you’ll find that replacing negative thoughts, behaviors and feelings with positive ones is more difficult than it sounds. That’s because creating long-lasting, meaningful change in our minds is hard work. I am quick to give non-judgemental support and kindness to others while reserving all the criticism for myself. The feeling of not being “good enough” has been at the core of my own journey with overcoming negative voices.
It’s important to recognize that we often hold onto and internalize the criticisms and insults we have heard from other people. We tell ourselves over and over the same negative messages. Catch yourself the next time you find yourself repeating a criticism that you have been told and hold onto. Listen to your self-talk to see when negativity comes up, if there are situations or people who act as triggers for this self-directed negativity. Once you become aware of it, you can find positive affirmations that you tell yourself. These are positive statements that you repeat to yourself to overcome the negative, self-sabotaging beliefs. They can be things like, “I am good,” “I am enough,” “I am worthy of time, respect, love, forgiveness, etc.” If you repeat these often enough to yourself, you can begin to replace and remove the negative voices.
It’s important to begin to take steps forward in your mental health and wellness everyday. You are worth it, and I hope you can take a moment to recognize how incredible you are for managing everything you have on your plate. Go you!
December 2020 – Overcoming Negative Voices
This month Tyler should be turning twenty-nine years old. It’s so hard to imagine who he would be now, someone who was frozen in time at eighteen years old. When I realized that Tyler had passed away, I went through many stages of grief for the brother I had lost, but I also grieved for the future that Tyler would grow to be. One of the biggest questions I kept going back to was, “who would he have been?” I imagined the career he might have, the apartment he might have lived in, the friends he would keep and the husband he might one day meet. I still sit with these same questions, and as I reflect on his short life I remain haunted by similar unanswerable questions. I wonder who Tyler would be today, if he had allowed himself to find out.Read More
It is often said that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem. I have to agree, given that the earth we stand on and the sun that lights our sky will eventually cease to be, and all things that exist in our reality will eventually stop existing, so too will the issues and struggles that harm us. However, it can be incredibly difficult to hold that perspective. Especially as a young person struggling to come out and express their sexuality in a hostile and homophobic environment. This person has never known what it is to be accepted and valued for being openly themselves. They have never known what it is to completely love themselves, and to feel confident about being who they are. They have never even heard that there is another way to view themselves than the condemning messages they are bombarded with daily. In this context it is hard to have any other perspective because there has never been another perspective. This is the wisdom that comes with growing up, gaining autonomy and finding community. This is the wisdom that my brother never held, but I believe he would have gotten there if he had believed in himself enough to keep going.
There is no neat little bow to tie Tyler’s story up in. His loss leaves me with more questions and an empty place in my heart. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this. At this point I can say that I choose to remember him and celebrate the short life he lived. I try to listen to others and offer support where I can. I know that no one ever knows what other people are dealing with, but the one guarantee is that everyone is in pain. If we all make an effort to reach out in kindness and respect we can work towards making the world a warmer place. If our instincts tell us that someone is hurting, let’s make it a point to reach out and offer them some joy. Many of us make it out of traumatic situations while still carrying scars of those moments. It’s important to be kind to yourself and focus on healing yourself. Know that it isn’t an overnight process, but beginning to take steps towards healing is setting yourself in the right direction.
As we close out the end of 2020, I have to acknowledge that this has been a difficult year, filled with challenges like no other. Disease, death, isolation, a crumbling economy and job losses, and uncertainty for the future have rendered this a year like no other I have lived through. Anxiety is high right now. Depression is high. In my work as a therapist and in my lived experience I am seeing and feeling a deep sense of fear, exhaustion, and hopelessness. The holidays tend to be a difficult time for many people, and this year takes all of that and adds on some of the harshest days we have seen during this pandemic. As I live through this present moment I still feel echoes of the past. It feels more important than ever to reach out to loved ones, find safe ways to connect and share our feelings and thoughts with each other. When we see or sense that someone in our orbit is in need, let’s make an extra effort to meet that need. And if we’re not sure how someone is doing, let’s check in and ask them. Let’s take advantage of the technology that we have to reach out and be more connected, not less. And give yourself a moment to recognize how much you have gone through and overcome this year. It wasn’t easy, but you made it through 2020. I hope you’re able to celebrate the end of this year and all you’ve done to survive it.
November 2020 – How to stand up for yourself
One of the hardest aspects of any bullying situation is how to get the bullying to stop. By the very nature of the power imbalance that exists between the bully and the victim this implies a confrontation of some sort. When you consider the power imbalance that is inherent to the bullying dynamic, and the vulnerability that this places on the person being bullied, it seems like there has to be some sort of conflict or confrontation in order to get the behavior to stop. While that can often be an uncomfortable or even dangerous thing, it is important to remember that the person exhibiting the bullying behavior is the one who has chosen to create a confrontation, and how a person responds to being targeted in this way is ultimately up to them, and should be evaluated carefully with each specific instance of this behavior being taken into account. Ultimately being able to calmly and carefully navigate your way through a situation like this is important, and will result in the best outcome for all involved.Read More
Aggressors choose their targets because they see vulnerability. This is perceived as weakness, however, vulnerability is not synonymous with “weakness.” In fact, being vulnerable is an incredible strength, and one of the most important lessons that we can take from a situation of harassment and intimidation is that while being our authentic selves can sometimes attract negative attention, it is never worth compromising who we are in order to blend in or be accepted. This is especially true of LGBTQ+ individuals. We are more likely to be targeted with bullying behavior due to our sexual orientations and gender presentation and identities. This is an incredibly scary thing for anyone to deal with, but it places an unfair burden on sexual minorities who may not be comfortable asking for help. This could lead to outing or otherwise publicizing of one’s sexuality which might not be something they are ready to deal with.
One of the most important things that we as members of communities in our towns and cities, schools and workplaces can do is keep our eyes and ears out for bullying and harassment. We know that in up to eighty percent of all bullying episodes there is a group of witnesses who see the bullying. This is part of the power imbalance, as the aggressor will often act to publicly humiliate or shame their target by using the power of the group against the target. In Tyler’s case this occurred when his college roommate set up a webcam to spy on Tyler and invade his privacy by livestreaming a sexual encounter with another male through his Twitter account. Tyler was humiliated and felt defeated and totally alone by these actions. When he walked through the hallways of his college dorm he heard the other students all stop talking and start whispering and laughing about him as he passed by. As I learned through witness testimony during the trial of his roommate, not one student approached Tyler to check in and see how he was doing. This public shaming was profound and incredibly hurtful. We will never know what the impact of even one classmate reaching out with a kind word might have made for Tyler.
In an effort to address this gap in kindness and compassion, we at the Tyler Clementi Foundation have created a “Turning Bystanders into Upstanders” movement. Instead of being simply a bystander to bullying situations, when you become aware that someone in your workplace or school is being mistreated, speak up and speak out. Every one of us has a responsibility to get involved. If you think that someone else will do it, you are mistaken. It is each of our responsibilities to get involved and say something. I am proud to say that over one million people (and counting) have signed up online to take the Upstander Pledge, which I want to point out, applies to online spaces as well as in-person spaces. Especially in the current COVID-19 pandemic, when many of us are working or going to school online, cyber-harassment has become an even larger issue than it was. Please consider taking the Upstander Pledge today and making a difference the next time you see something that doesn’t feel right.
October 2020 – The New Meaning of Empathy in 2020
As a mental health counselor, a husband, a concerned citizen and a human being I have come to understand the value of living a life filled with empathy. Empathy essentially means being able to look at the world through a lens of someone else’s experience, being able to walk in the shoes of another in your mind and heart, and try to see how you might feel if you lived in this world in that person’s experience. One of the reasons this is so important is because without empathy we run the risk of assuming that our experience is the only experience, and that everyone else is a repetition of ourselves. People who don’t see things through others perspectives see only their own perspective on every other human being. In a way a lack of empathy reveals an ego that has grown beyond its means, consumed with itself and blind to the pain and joy and truth and worthiness of other’s experiences.Read More
2020 has been a year that has challenged our ability for empathy at a crucial and core level. In mid-March our lives and livelihoods were threatened and turned upside down in one unexpected instant. On a personal level I was afraid… of getting sick, worried for my family and friends, worried about financial survival, and worried about what a shutdown in my home city of New York would mean for my life. The constant sounds of ambulance sirens served as a reminder of the massive sickness and death that was spreading throughout the city. The COVID pandemic truly brought about a level of fear, anxiety, depression, loss and grief that I have never seen before, on a global scale and in many different directions at the same time. The rates of infections and deaths disproportionately impacted minority communities due to systemic injustices in healthcare.
On top of all this, when the brutal police murders of George Floyd and Breonna Taylor made national headlines I felt a deep sense of grief for these precious lives that were unfairly taken, but also anger for the systems that protect killers and allow them to continue to walk free. My husband and I are proud to have marched in support of the Black Lives Matter movement to bring about a change towards racial justice. Although I am not at high risk of experiencing police brutality as a beneficiary of white and male privileges, it feels vitally important to me that I use my voice and privileged identities to shed awareness on the need for racial justice in America.
Empathy is rooted in not living in another person’s perspective, not knowing how they feel, having never lived their experience, but being able to view their perspective by putting your own ego, your own sense of self, aside and learning to see the world through another’s eyes. We can use our own experiences to inform us on something that we have not lived. I think I may have been so emotionally impacted by the highly publicized victims of police brutality this year because of my own experience of losing a brother, and seeing my parents lose a child. Although the circumstances are incredibly different, losing my brother Tyler to suicide informed a lot of my understanding of how horribly painful it is to lose a loved one under circumstances that are unnecessary and preventable.
Fighting for justice does not bring back the loved ones we have lost, as I have learned all too well on my personal journey of healing from grief. However, it is worth every bit of energy that it takes from us because we are helping other people avoid finding themselves in the same situation. We are ensuring that other sisters, brothers, moms and dads won’t have to go through the same losses. Participating in the Black Lives Matter movement as a nonblack ally is an act of empathy, and in taking those steps I hope to encourage other white and nonblack people to get involved. As a gay man I can say that having straight allies has been vital to my wellbeing. When we see members of our society being treated unfairly, those of us who get a better treatment have a responsibility to use our platforms to speak out and advocate for change. We cannot change where we have been but we can help to shape the direction of the future.
It has been confusing, triggering and bewildering for me to see the lack of compassion that many members or our society have for minority groups. Seeing guns pulled on peaceful protestors, and then seeing this hateful action being rewarded by those in power with a platform at the highest levels of our nation has been disturbing and enraging. None of it makes sense to me, but I believe it comes back to a lack of empathy. It starts early, it is rooted in our education, both in families as well as school, and it comes from the images and ideas we get exposed to in the media. Through entertainment we are able to live through the eyes of fictional characters and it shapes our understanding of the world, our place in it, and where others not like us fit in as well.
Being a member of a majority group often insulates us further into a space of self-absorption as the stories, images, voices and platforms we are exposed to continue to reflect back our own experience, representation and worldview. For example, as a white man I can turn on the TV or, in pre-COVID days I could have gone to the movie theater and see countless representations of the perspectives and feelings of people who look like me. This doesn’t just stay on the screen, as the media we take in impacts the way we feel about the world around us, and about ourselves. It also has real-world implications, as we are living in a moment when government is moving to impose a rule of law that assumes we are all the same, and those who do not or cannot conform don’t matter anyway.
If there is anything that we can take away from the harsh lessons in 2020 it is that the fight for justice is ongoing and the need for strong communities that take care of each other is higher than ever. It is important to take the time to think critically about ourselves and why we think and feel the way we do. It is just as important to think about others feelings and try to understand where that comes from. It may seem like an impossible bridge to gap – between the self and the other – but as human beings we are all connected and can come around to seeing the world a different way if we are open to truly, compassionately listening to each other. What you find out about yourself and the world around you when you listen may surprise you, it might make you uncomfortable, but it is essential to your personal growth and the growth of our society.
September 2020 – Reflecting on Heartbreak
This month my family and I will acknowledge the ten-year anniversary of my youngest brother Tyler Clementi taking his life by suicide. While the last decade has been a time of processing all that I have lost and learning to live without my little brother in my life, in many ways I find the wounds of grief are as fresh as the first days and months when I discovered his death. Dates have always been one of the hardest parts of losing Tyler: birthdays, holidays, graduations and anniversaries are a stinging reminder of what was lost and what will never be.
I remember Tyler as a kindhearted, loving and joyful young man, but I know there was a deep reservoir of pain that he hid from me. Suicide is completely preventable and I know that if Tyler would have been able to hold on to something in this life while he went through his troubling times, he would have looked back and been so grateful that he didn’t make that choice. As someone who once stood in his shoes as a young man, I know there was so much joy and love waiting for him to experience in life, and it breaks my heart to realize that Tyler will never get to experience the life he was destined for.Read More
Our society often blames people who die by suicide – I have heard these most fragile and vulnerable people often criticized as weak and selfish by well-meaning people. While I can agree that suicide is not ever an acceptable answer to life’s traumas and pains, I cannot stress enough how important it is to hold empathy and compassion for each other. Suicide is an entirely preventable way to die, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself how someone could get to a place where they feel it is their only option?
Judgement, shame, stigma, condemnation, and cruelty are rampant in the way we talk to each other and treat each other. We are consumed in our own negative thinking and then we inflict this pain out onto the world. Rather than sitting back and judging how people react to the pain that we all contribute to, there is another way. We can choose to replace our negative thinking with positive thinking. We can dare to be nice to ourselves, and watch how this attitude adjustment radiates in others. Just by listening to someone, showing that you are curious and interested in their life and experience, you will reach out and make a positive impact. This type of loving human connection gives all of us deep roots to cling to in hard times. We all inter-are with each other. The person being targeted, harassed, discriminated against does not exist in isolation. We have to look at the big picture: how the abuser contributes, how the silent bystander tacitly condones. No one is Switzerland here, we are all in this life thing together.
In the last ten years since losing Tyler, I have been on a personal journey of healing and growth. During the time I had Tyler in my life, I was living in fear. There were so many conversations I wanted to have, so many feelings I wanted to express. It all seemed so unacceptable, and I let so many opportunities to connect with my brother and instill worth and value into his mind go by. I learned how important it is to live out loud and speak your truth, not only for yourself, but also for the people in your world. In the last ten years I have fallen in love and married my soulmate. I went back to school and earned a Master degree in Mental Health Counseling.
These were big dreams and I first had to open myself up to believing they were possible. Becoming a mental health counselor has been especially important to me because part of my healing journey has been helping others to heal themselves the same way I had to. I know that this life is challenging and we all come at it with different experiences, and there is so much beauty in that diversity. That’s why I am so excited about writing this blog. This will be a space for me to share some of my hard-won knowledge about healing and overcoming. 2020 has been a difficult year like none other. Times are hard but learn more about who we truly are when we’re being tested. It’s easy to stay positive when things feel safe and fair. In these times of disease (global pandemic and emboldened racists alike), it feels like we are collectively being thrown into chaos and uncertainty. During a moment like this we have to look at what we have control over in our lives and what we don’t. Learning where to let go and where to hold on tighter will help us feel in control where we can, and be more comfortable with it when we can’t. I am excited to bring my perspective as a mental health counselor to address different ways that we can all practice continuing to improve our mental health. I look forward to taking this journey with you!