Something dangerous is happening in our culture. Words once widely understood as inherently cruel are being revived, celebrated and defended. The New York Times recently documented the return of the R-word, a slur disability advocates fought for decades to remove from public life, and one that people in positions of power are now wielding again. The renewed embrace of this slur represents a microcosm of a larger cultural shift taking place across our nation right now. The recent online push to “Bring Back Bullying” is no longer a fringe joke, but an ideology that’s taking our nation by storm and putting real lives at risk.
What started as an online movement promoting the idea of bringing back bullying has now snaked its way from social media platforms into the school hallways, embracing violence and humiliation as tools to “toughen kids up.” As a mother who lost her child to bullying, I cannot stay silent as our culture is numbed to this violent rhetoric. This is not a joke or a trend, but a warning about who we are becoming as a nation. America is not suffering from a lack of toughness, but from a growing tolerance for cruelty.
Students pay their respects on October 1, 2010, to first-year student Tyler Clementi, 18, who died by suicide shortly after being filmed and broadcast over the internet during a gay encounter at Rutgers University. (EMMANUEL DUNAND/AFP via Getty Images)
The viral TikTok videos may look sarcastic, but their popularity reveals a dangerous comfort that’s seeping through our culture around cruelty. Comment sections are filled with adults claiming bullying made them stronger, as if abuse were a rite of passage and adversity was something a person chooses. Bullying is harm forced on someone without consent. It does not build character. It is violence.
Current research builds on decades of studies that make this crystal clear. The American Academy of Pediatrics identifies bullying as a major public health issue. Studies link it to chronic stress, long-lasting emotional harm and psychosomatic symptoms. Research in JAMA Psychiatry shows that children who are bullied—as well as children who both bully and are bullied—face a much higher risk of psychiatric disorders in adulthood. Bullies themselves suffer long-term harms.
This shift toward violence is reinforced when public figures dismiss bullying or mock those harmed by it. When influential voices minimize or even celebrate cruelty, they normalize it, and our children pay the price.
The consequences are not fleeting. They can last a lifetime, and too often they are fatal. Teen suicides connected to bullying appear with tragic regularity, especially among children with disabilities, trans and gay youth, immigrant students and others who feel routinely marginalized. Cruelty spreads when adults treat it as entertainment.
I know the serious consequences of this type of harm far too well. My son Tyler Clementi was the gay Rutgers University freshman who made national headlines in the fall of 2010 after his college roommate targeted him in a cyberbullying incident. The shame and humiliation of his roommate livestreaming Tyler’s private personal actions with another man and announcing them publicly over social media caused his reality to become very twisted and distorted. Those bullying actions resulted in my son making a permanent decision to a temporary situation that ended in Tyler’s death by suicide.
When we know the consequences and have seen our children suffer, how can any of us be a bystander to this creeping rot in our society? Is this who we are now?
We live in dark and challenging times, but the answer is not to harden our children. It is to help them feel safe and connected. Our problem is cultural, shaped by the toxic belief that empathy is weakness and cruelty is courage. In reality, empathy strengthens communities. Research shows that children who feel they belong at school and at home are far less likely to engage in or be targeted by violence. They are more likely to live happy and healthy lives.
For years, schools have done the hard work of building inclusive and respectful cultures. Until 2016 and our recent political turn, they were making real progress. But they cannot do it alone. Every adult plays a role in shaping the norms children learn. We must speak up when we see harm, model empathy, teach children to support one another and refuse to trivialize aggression.
Our foundation encourages people to follow the golden rule, treating others as we want to be treated, and more importantly, the platinum rule, treat others as they need to be treated, not how others think they should be treated. We rarely know the burdens someone carries. Choosing compassion is the healthiest and safest choice.
We are not powerless, but our nation is at a crossroads. Bullying will not make children stronger. Cruelty will not repair our culture. Mocking empathy will not build resilience. Compassion will. Connection will. Courage will.
We do not need to bring back bullying. We need to bring back our humanity.
Jane Clementi co-founded the Tyler Clementi Foundation because she wants to make sure that our society learns the consequences of discrimination and bullying, as she learned all too personally through the loss of her son. A native of New Jersey and devoted mother of three sons, Jane speaks passionately to parents and community leaders about the need to not merely “accept” or “tolerate” children who come out as LGBTQ+, but to embrace them as wondrous creations of God.
The views expressed in this article are the writer’s own.