I struggled academically and socially in high school and nobody (myself included) understood why. Teachers described me as creative, friendly, and intelligent, yet I struggled to complete assignments that should have been easy for me and rarely felt like I fit in socially. I attended good schools, had plenty of friends, and received good grades nearly all my life, so my failure to thrive was confusing. I just felt different. A mental health diagnosis could not describe the feeling that a therapist would eventually help me name: loneliness. Although I appeared to be fine, my internal world was a cycle of loneliness and stress. I can see now that I was experiencing social isolation and an unmet need for connectedness and belonging. As our social lives are interrupted by pandemic, we need to acknowledge the loneliness and stress sometimes caused by social isolation among both adults and children. At the Tyler Clementi Foundation, embracing and accepting all individuals is at the heart of our work. And being an Upstander means reaching out and listening to individuals who need support, checking-in regularly, being open to their experiences and encouraging them to seek mental health support when appropriate. In this time of increased social isolation, how can we better understand loneliness in order to support young people’s need for connectedness and belonging?
What is Loneliness? Who Experiences It?
Loneliness is essentially an unmet need for connection that can cause discomfort and stress in the body and interfere with our daily lives; it is more common than one might guess and is experienced by children and adults alike. A 2018 study found that loneliness afflicted roughly 60 million (22%) of American adults (this was before the Covid-19 pandemic increased our rates of social isolation). A meta-analysis of several studies suggests that loneliness is associated with harmful effects on physical health (Vox). Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy explains that people who experience loneliness are often in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, which can lead to increased stress levels. Children and young adults who experience loneliness or social isolation may actually have plenty of friends, which means that their struggle is often hard to identify. As author Kate Kelly writes on understood.org, young people who learn and think differently are more likely to experience loneliness. These young people may struggle with traits like self-control, social skills, making conversation, or self-esteem. Kelly also writes that feeling lonely is not the same as being alone or wanting solitude. Students who struggle with socializing do not necessarily experience loneliness or social isolation, however, it is an issue that often goes unnoticed or misunderstood.
The Negative Effects of Social Isolation On Learning and Health
Social isolation can create patterns that have negative effects on both health and learning. Beyond Differences, an organization that works to end social isolation issued a review of existing scientific literature entitled, “It Hurts More Than You Think.” They define social isolation as, “the absence or perceived absence of satisfying social relationships; [perceiving] a discrepancy between the desired and achieved patterns of social interaction.” In their research, Dabney Ingram and Rebecca London suggest that social isolation can cause numerous negative mental and physical health effects including depression, anxiety, higher blood pressure, increased risk of substance abuse, and obesity in young adulthood. The studies cited in their report also suggest that social isolation in school can lead to lower classroom engagement, decreased attendance rates, and worsened performance on measures of student achievement and high school exams.
Social Isolation
In order to target and prevent loneliness, we must seek out ways to increase feelings of student connectedness and belonging, which is considered the inverse of social isolation. Social isolation prevention, Dabney and London suggest, is one critical step that schools can take in order to meet the needs of all students. A school-wide intervention approach targeting childhood loneliness, that doesn’t single out lonely children but instead changes social practices has been shown to be effective. These interventions could include altering environmental factors or teaching students about the importance of helping those who feel isolated. Some of the authors’ recommendations inspired our ideas in the section below.
Ideas For Parents
- Help your child cultivate identity and seek affinity among classmates and friends by encouraging hobbies that may help children connect with others.
- Talk to your children about their culture and traditions including nationality, race/ethnicity, religion; create safe spaces for them to discuss culture among friends.
- Help young people define their identity more acutely. For example, teach young people to notice that an academic interest like marine biology or theater is an opportunity to connect with a community of like-minded individuals.
- Consider forming a learning pod during the pandemic, or seek other options for learning and socializing outside of the virtual classroom. Consider planning safe, socially distanced social activities that follow CDC guidelines.
- Offer opportunities to connect through shared activities. Set safe boundaries for age-appropriate video game and social media use (e.g. avoid posting anonymously). Download our cybersafety guide here for more information on creating family guidelines.
- Consider encouraging children to join online groups formed around a specific area of interest. Age-appropriate video Games can actually be a source of connection for some children, so consider giving them a chance.
- Discuss your own need for belonging and connectedness and practice compassion for yourself and others.
- Develop mindfulness routines that address stress in the body.
- Be open to your child having mentors and developmentally appropriate friendships across gender identity, age group, and cultural identity.
- Encourage children to reach out to friends whom they haven’t heard from in a while. As Dr. Vivek Murthy writes:
“Another thing we can do is service. This is a time where so many people are struggling. So service in a time of Covid-19 doesn’t have to look like going to a soup kitchen or spending a month with Habitat for Humanity. It can look like calling a friend to see how they’re doing. It can be checking on a neighbor who might be older to make sure that they have groceries. It can be FaceTiming with your friends’ children to virtually babysit them for 10 or 15 minutes so their parents have time to sit and breathe.” – Dr. Vivek Murthy, Former Surgeon General and Author of Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World
Ideas For Educators
- If possible, provide opportunities for students to continue participating in affinity groups, student groups, or clubs that encourage students to share their experience with one another. Some virtual conference platforms include options for creating smaller conference rooms, which can facilitate student sharing
- Set aside virtual class time for students to socialize. If your school is 100% virtual, make a plan for returning to in-person classes that provide opportunities for students to connect with one another socially.
- Discuss the importance of social inclusion and helping others feel a sense of belonging.
- Create student mentorship programs that allow young people to connect with others outside of their grade level or classroom.
- Implement a school-wide loneliness intervention plan for when your students return from virtual learning. Visit beyonddifferences.org to find out how their resources can help you create a culture of belonging.
Upstanders Act with Compassion & Empathy
Young people often take their social cues from adults, which is why we should all strive to act with compassion and empathy. Fostering connectedness and belonging requires us to practice compassion and empathy– qualities that we should all model for young people. Acting with compassion and empathy signals that you want others to feel connectedness and belonging. It’s not always easy, but in this time of social distancing and political division, it certainly feels necessary. On behalf of the Tyler Clementi Foundation, thank you for continuing to be an Upstander! Article References and Resources Understood.Org -Loneliness Can Impact Kids Who Learn and Think Differently Beyond Differences – Consequences of Social Isolation Vox – America’s Loneliness Epidemic and Coronavirus Pandemic Together New York Times – Learning Pods CDC.Gov – Parent Checklist Tyler Clementi Foundation’s Cybersafety Guide Connecticut Children’s – Mindfulness Exercises for Kids