For this edition of Safe Classrooms, I revisited one of my favorite teacher books called Nonviolent Communication by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It’s sold over 1 million copies, so maybe you’ve heard about it or read it yourself. I think this book can provide some strategies for dealing with internal and interpersonal conflict and may be worth reading and sharing with others in your life.
Nonviolent Communication – Interpersonal Harmony Through Dialogue
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is based on the idea that conflict arises because individuals miscommunicate their feelings and needs. NVC has been widely used in psychotherapy and as a self-help technique. And, while it may lack hard evidence of efficacy, some studies suggest it may increase empathy, decrease anger, and allow people to communicate more effectively. It is a simple structure that allows individuals to recognize and take responsibility for their feelings, which in turn promotes compassion, empathy, interpersonal growth, and self-awareness. It has been applied in workplaces, schools, mediation, healthcare, and within the justice system. When implemented with fidelity, NVC encourages members of a community to be more aware of the basic psychological needs of others and themselves in pursuit of collective harmony. So where does miscommunication happen? Instead of expressing our feelings, we are often wrongly taught to express thoughts through judgment, opinion, and criticism. This leaves us with unexpressed feelings, which only alienate us further from ourselves. Instead of connecting their individual feelings with the needs and requests of others, many people operate from a place of inducing fear, guilt, or shame. What we consider expressing a feeling may in fact be an opinion, criticism, or a moral judgment. For example, a student might say, “I feel like I am always helping you with your homework” or “I feel like I can’t get through to him.” Statements like these come across as criticism or opinion through the sharing of thought. We can see that this language can be harmful, and it can stop compassionate conversations in their tracks. Instead, people need to tune into themselves and express how they feel, connect it with their psychological needs, and perhaps make a request from the other person.
Addressing the Emotional Needs of Your Community
Educators need to address the emotional needs of students who are returning to school after experiencing some kind of emotional trauma. They could be carrying the weight of internet addiction, months of virtual learning, the loss of a loved one, limited social contact, domestic violence, or the sudden absence of a favorite extracurricular activity or sport. At this crucial time, NVC offers teachers an opportunity to instill children with important life skills of communication– both expressive and receptive. For many students, a return to in-person school may be accompanied by an increase in feelings of stress, fear, and anxiety. And although the stigma around psychotherapy has lifted in recent years, not all students have access to regular therapy visits. Systems like NVC are one option that can be implemented by schools and teachers to bridge this gap. Authors of NVC argue that our psychological needs being met or unmet provides the basis for the expression of feeling. This is a great way to think about (and teach) empathy and compassion– when someone you know is expressing their feelings toward you, they are asking for you to help them meet their own basic needs– I couldn’t think of a better or more worthy task! In the long run, it also helps people connect with one another. This simple expression and reception format can help all of us knit our communities back together following an overwhelming year of social distancing. As Rosenberg writes in Nonviolent Communication: “Judgements, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values. When others hear criticism, they tend to invest energy in self-defense or counterattack. The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.” Identifying their own feelings allows students to connect with themselves and others in order to solve complex interpersonal problems. Some important tenets of NVC include:
- Embracing our vulnerability can help resolve conflict;
- Develop self-compassion;
- Distinguish between feelings and thoughts;
- Distinguish between feelings and how we perceive others to be acting toward us;
- Take responsibility for your feelings and make requests without imposing demands on others;
- Build a vocabulary for your feelings that goes beyond “good and bad”(the book has a great glossary of emotional terms);
- Take responsibility for your intentions and actions;
- If we don’t value our needs; others may not either;
- Move beyond “active listening” to “empathic listening”;
- We should respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.
Of course, there are myriad ways to teach social-emotional learning, and that most educators have their tried and true methods. NVC offers some really powerful opportunities to foster a compassionate community of learners, however, it certainly has its critics. I’ll leave it to you to read about it on your own if it sparks your interest (book information is below). For today, I only wanted to lay out some of the key takeaways from NVC’s work and offer it as a potential way to help us all heal our way back from the distances this pandemic has created in our communities. Works Cited & Resource Rosenberg, Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press, 2015.